I think my vagina is haunted
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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