at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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