You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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