We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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