Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
