You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
