I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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