I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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