I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize