i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
