I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
