alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
