I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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