I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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