A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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