DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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