omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
