the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
