You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
