my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
