You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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