fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
