Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
