he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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