I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
