Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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