It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
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