I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
