can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize
