i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
