I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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