Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
