captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
