she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize