He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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