i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize