dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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