just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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