Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
