so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
