How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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