My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
