Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
