okay pat passed out under dana's car
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
