I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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