when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
