I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
