true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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