They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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