I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize