I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
