I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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