I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
