I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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