summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
