I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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