remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
