I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I believe in your delicious
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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