Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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