There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
