And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
