I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
