Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
