she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
